1. Why did you suddenly change your routine?
A change in habits is one of the first signs of relationship issues. It can indicate unhappiness, personal stress, even cheating – but it could also indicate a number of other things, so don’t jump to conclusions. If there are any significant changes, discuss them with your partner to determine what’s behind them.
2. Where do you see our relationship headed?
People often think about the status of their relationship and where it’s headed at the beginning of the relationship, but those conversations shouldn’t stop. Not being on the same page when you’re committed or married leads to unhappiness and divorce. Marriage is a big job and. Don’t say “we’ll figure it out later.” Later means never or when it’s too late.
3. When’s the last time you went out with your friends?
Many people in relationships make the mistake of giving up their past friends to focus solely on couple time. However, doing everything together can create staleness in the relationship and is a great recipe for both partners to get sick of each other. To be happy, you both need to make time for your separate friends, even if it’s just a couple days a month.
Related: 16 things you’ll know if you’ve had the same best friends since school
4. When you think of our relationship, what are the words that come to mind?
In every divorce someone (but usually both people) feel dismissed, discounted, disrespected or devalued. These are major indicators of unhappiness. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page by discussing the words you both come up with.
5. When is the last time we hugged?
Taking time to regularly cuddle, touch, and show love and affection for your partner stimulates chemicals in the body like oxytocin and dopamine, which foster feelings of attraction. Even a short amount of intimate time daily with your partner can keep that bond strong.
6. What makes you feel valued?
Because feeling undervalued is a major cause of divorce, finding out what makes your spouse feel important is critical. Figure out what your spouse needs to feel valued and make sure it happens. They will, in turn, reciprocate in kind.
7. What is your love language?
People do not experience love in the same way, and if you’re not speaking your partner’s ‘love language’, that can result in great unhappiness. Dr. Gary Chapman detailed the five different love languages to help couples learn and speak the language of their spouse.
Those languages are quality of time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gift giving. Learning to speak a partner’s ‘love language’ will keep your marriage going strong.
Related: Quiz: What’s your love language?
8. What do you need from me that you feel like you’re not getting?
People mistakenly believe that they shouldn’t ask for what they want from their partner, when it actuality it is the best way to to communicate and get what you want from your relationship.
Your partner shouldn’t expect you to meet all their needs – expecting someone to ‘complete’ you is a romantic idea but not a healthy one. Healthy couples do work together to make sure the most important needs are being met.
9. What are your top three priorities right now?
A major source of unhappiness is taking the focus off the relationship and putting it on cruise control to focus on careers, children, extended families, and community work instead of shared time together.
Couples need to keep an active engagement with the romance, friendship, and fun that led them to their initial attraction and excitement about being together. They can’t assume that connection will remain unless they put time and energy into keeping it alive.
10. What are your expectations of our relationship?
A common habit that damages a relationship is not voicing your expectations. Unsaid expectations can lead to resentment and unhappiness. Even if it’s not a realistic expectation, talking about it can help a great deal.
11. What are your core values?
You should never expect your partner to do anything that goes against their own values – and if you push them it shows a lack of respect and can lead to unhappiness in that relationship. But you can’t know your partner’s values unless you ask them. Then you can figure out if you are on the same page.
Related: Four one-minute stress fixes
12. What are you grateful for in our relationship?
Each partner should be able to find three things they are grateful each day with their partner and share it with them. Whether it’s gratitude for working hard, cleaning up the house, or taking care of the children, complimenting your loved one leads to increased positivity in the relationship. If they can’t thing of three things, then this is a red flag that they are unhappy.
13. How do you feel about being a parent?
Children add a lot of positives to a person’s life, but they can also add a lot of stress, including deceased intimacy in the relationship. When children come first, the loss of the marital relationship can be very painful.
It isn’t easy to maintain that happy physical and emotional connection to your partner when there are baths needing to happen, meals needing to be cooked, and toys needing to be picked up.
14. Do you feel taken for granted?
Feeling unappreciated is a major source of unhappiness in a relationship. Counteract this by saying thank you for something (anything) and at least once a day take notice of something special they bring into your life.
15. Do you feel like we can disagree and still be alright?
Arguing on occasion is perfectly normal in any long term relationship. But fighting too much or avoiding conflict builds up resentment and causes you to emotionally detach from your partner. Marriages with true closeness and intimacy involve the expression of feelings, even the tough ones.
16. Do you feel heard?
A major mistake couples make is not listening to each other. It’s such a simple thing, but it’s so important. Ask them how they feel and then listen without interrupting. Build in uninterrupted time for the two of you without any kids, TV or mobile devices.
17. Are you unhappy in our relationship?
Sometimes you just have to ask. Instead of discussing their unhappiness, people may let conflicts and resentments fester. Keeping silent about a perceived inequity or accepting troubling behaviours may seem like one is being a good sport or taking the good with the bad. But speaking up is the only way to maintain true intimacy and closeness.
From: Redbook US
PHOTO: iStock/kupicoo
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