When you walked down the aisle, of course you felt ‘at one’ with the person you love. But emotional distance can build up over time — often sneaking up on you without you even realising — and before you know it, it feels like the two of you are miles apart, disconnected, and maybe not even in love.
Unfortunately, it happened for a reason… and you may have played a part in that. These inadvertent behaviours build walls and divide the two of you — but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Learn how to bridge the gap and get your marriage back on the blissful track.
You never quit scrolling through Instagram
Here’s a shocking statistic for you: Couples with kids talk to each other for about 35 minutes per week, according to research reported by Dr. John Gottman. We get that you’re busy, rushing to work and ushering kids to soccer practice, but if you’re sitting right next to each other it’s important to connect with him/her instead of your phone.
Gottman’s research revealed that couples who responded positively to their partner’s bids for attention (winks, conversation starters, smiles) 86% of the time stayed hitched, while those who divorced only paid attention 36% of the time.
Missing these attempts to engage can make your husband (or you) feel unimportant, so take a clue and set the technology down. McMahon suggests having a conversation about current events or — gasp! — taking him to the bedroom. ‘A little attention can go a long way toward investing in your relationship,’ she says.
You assume they’re going to be there forever
Thinking you and your spouse ‘can always reconnect later, when the kids are older’ is a bad plan, says McMahon. ‘Both of you are changing through that process, and many couples have their kids leave only to realise that they’re now living with a stranger.’
Instead, Dr. Anjali Bhagra, suggests the two-and-two rule. ‘Practice two minutes of early morning gratitude, thinking about what you appreciate, and then don’t critique anything in the first two minutes in the evening (no ‘your shirt would look better tucked in’ remarks),’ she says. It’ll create a closer connection between the two of you, she says, because just like mom always said — it’s the thought that counts.
You never talk about your dirty laundry
Literally. When couples get together, there’s usually an understanding of who does what, says Winch (one of you gravitates toward dish duty while the other handles trash takeout). But the division of labour needs to be revisited each time the demands of life change (a baby is born or someone gets a promotion that requires more office time).
‘Otherwise partners can get annoyed or overtaxed, and then they start harbouring resentment,’ says Winch. If it’s been a while since you’ve looked at how things function day-to-day, get it on the calendar (seriously, just schedule it so it actually gets done). Then you can redistribute tasks so that you both feel happy and that the workload is fair.
You forget to celebrate the wins
Cheering on during good times is just as important as supporting through a job layoff or a serious fight with a family member. ‘In our hectic lives, it’s easy to gloss over positive achievements because they’re a signal that everything is going well,’ says Dr. Shelly Gable. But capitalising on life’s happy moments — and really celebrating them — shows your spouse that you understand what’s important, and reassures that you’ll be there when something doesn’t go well, she says.
Now, that doesn’t mean you have to throw a party every time he/she reaches a goal. But ask them to tell you one good thing that happened that day, then discuss the details. ‘You know them well, so elaborate on why and how this is good,’ says Gable. ‘It can increase a sense of self-worth, which is great for your emotional bond.’
You don’t bother fighting anymore
Fighting seems like something you don’t want to do, right? Wrong. Giving up on fighting typically means you’ve given up on putting energy into the relationship and have emotionally checked out, says Prof. Diane Gehart. Instead of avoiding fights, embrace them: ‘Fights can lead to greater intimacy if the couple processes the fight and repairs the relationship,’ says couples therapist Carrie Cole. So start putting effort into those little arguments again: As much as they suck, they also show you care.
You don’t make them your priority
When you start putting your friends, co-workers, and even your cranky old neighbour over your relationship, you know it’s time to do some damage control. To get back to the way you felt when you said ‘I do’ — when your partner was the first one you went to with any exciting news, frustrations, or problems you needed help working out — start making an effort to put your relationship first. Once you reestablish your partner’s place in your life, you can get your connection back on track.
You don’t plan date nights anymore
Life gets busy, and it’s easy to get into a routine. But if you can’t remember when your last date night was, that’s not at all good for your relationship, says therapist Jane Greer. And it’s definitely time to put in more of an effort when it comes to spending quality time together. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, but that alone time can reconnect you and your partner in a big way, whether it’s going to one of your old favourite restaurants or sharing an oversized bag of popcorn at the movie theatre.
PHOTO: iStock/nd3000
From: Good Housekeeping US
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