You know those moms who are really on top of their game and decant all the dry goods into jars with labels? I’m not one of them. As a result, when I cook rice I have to stand over the pot with a spoon and remove the little black bugs that float to the surface. Also, as a result, when it comes to my kids and what happens in their lives, I watch, with no small measure of amazement, how adept they are at doing things for themselves. Off to camp? They find out what they need and they pack it. School project? They come and show me when it’s done. At most, I’ll be called upon to put an ink cartridge in the printer or swing by CNA for cardboard.
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And they have to be on top of their lives because most of the time I’m barely on top of mine and I just don’t have the mental capacity to micromanage anyone else’s. And sometimes I feel guilty, like when it’s Market Day at school and some of the parents appear to have paid a professional builder to construct a kick-ass stall and then hired an artist to decorate it, and my kids have to be creative with a cardboard box and fairy lights. But then, I remind myself, whose event is this? And what do your kids learn when you’re doing their homework and constructing their projects for them? Like I tell them every now and again: I’ve done my time at school; you’re the ones who need to learn stuff. So, knock yourselves out.
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And I think it’s okay to allow them to figure things out and think for themselves. Some years ago, when my girls were just starting school, they were lucky enough to be under the guidance of a brilliant headmistress who’d been in education for nearly 50 years. Now and again, in assemblies or at prize-giving events, she’d hand out gold nuggets of wisdom to us novice parents, and they are things I remember to this day. Like, if you show your children that you’re confident in their abilities, they will believe you and have confidence in themselves. And, if you don’t give them the opportunity to fail and learn from their mistakes, you’re denying them a very important life lesson.
I’m lucky enough to work from home so I’m around and available most of the time. The fridge is full, the house is tidy and their clothes are clean. I cook the evening meal, but the other two are up to them. My 10-year-old’s repertoire consists of scrambled eggs, two-minute noodles and tuna mayonnaise, but if dinnertime rolls around and their dad is away and I find myself on deadline and can’t turn my laptop off for another few hours, any one of those meals makes for a perfectly acceptable supper. And what I know for sure, and as a parent it reassures me hugely, is that one day when they have to fend for themselves they won’t starve to death and, what’s more, they’ll know to separate the light colours from the dark.
I think, when I look around at the kids who have to win the races, get the highest marks and submit the most fabulous assignments, it’s not about them, it’s about the parents who are competing with one another. And that’s really messed up. It’s not about us. Like Kahlil Gibran so famously said, ‘Your children are not your children.’ They come into this world fully formed in their uniqueness and individuality. Your job is to love them, house them and guide them from time to time, but I really believe that the greatest expression of love and the biggest gift you can ever give them is the space to live out the fullest expression of who they truly are. They will surprise you, impress you, shock you and disappoint you, as you will them. But they’ll grow up knowing that whatever life throws their way, they’ll have the resources to cope. And if you can instil that in them you get full marks, bugs in the rice or not.
Susan Hayden is the voice behind the popular blog Disco Pants & A Mountain
PHOTO: Susan Hayden
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