We had a chance to talk to Dr John Demartini, human-behaviour specialist, business consultant and author of The Heart of Love, among many other titles, about the 10 most common myths about relationships, and how you can debunk them in order to have a thriving, happy relationship.
Myth 1: A new relationship will finally make you happy
Demartini explains that this isn’t the case because inevitably relationships, like anything else in life, can’t be perfect all the time. ‘There are things you like and things you dislike, there are things to support and things to challenge, there’s a little bit of happy and there’s a little bit of sad in every relationship that you’re in.’
What you can do:
A way in which to prevent this myth from dampening what would otherwise be a healthy, happy relationship is learning how to master the art of communication and managing your expectations. The fantasy that people have in which everything is supposed to be perfect can, as Demartini puts it, ‘make nightmares of relationships’. He explains, ‘If you’re always expected to be up and sweet and positive and kind, you’re just going to be living in La-La land. And then when the other side of it hits you, you’re not going to be prepared. Just know that your partner has a set of values that are unique to them. Every relationship is going to have ups and downs, and happiness and sadness.’
Just as you can’t be everything your partner needs at all times, they too might not live up to your expectations. Keep in mind that they may not be failing, but that your expectations may be unrealistic.
Myth 2: When I find my soul mate, I’ll feel complete
This myth is dangerous because we should all feel a sense of completion, whether or not we have a partner. Demartini explains that there is a difference between seeking completion in the form of another person, and finding someone to share your already-fulfilled life with.
What you can do:
‘There are people who are very empowered as they are. They’re inspired by things, they’re intelligent, they have a good career, they have stability and social connections. And so they’re not looking for someone to complete them, they’re looking for someone to share their life with,’ Demartini explains. The most imperative thing you can do is to empower yourself so that when you’re in a relationship, it’s not an attempt to feel ‘complete’, but rather about sharing your life with someone who is also empowered. Just as you want someone headstrong and self-sufficient in your life, you too need to have done these things for yourself.
Myth 3: The right relationship will last forever
While your relationship may indeed go the absolute long haul, the future is very much unwritten. Demartini knows this all too well. He and his wife had a beautiful relationship for more than 12 years, and then she passed away. Apart from tragedies such as these, another reason a relationship that you have the utmost faith in may end, is that either your partner or you may experience a change in values. We will forever continue to grow and change, and often it can leave our partner feeling as though the person they once knew is no longer there.
What you can do:
You can’t guarantee these shifts won’t happen, but what you can do is increase your chances of maintaining the relationship. Other than having resilience, Demartini says you can increase your odds by asking yourself how you can use your partner’s new outlook on life to benefit yourself, instead of seeing it as something you need to change within them. Learning to communicate with them and taking the time to understand their new values will greatly increase your odds of maintaining the relationship. ‘People are a moving target, they’re going to change,’ says Demartini. ‘You have to keep adding value to your partner’s life.’
Myth 4: Once we get past this tough part, then there’ll be smooth sailing
‘This is another delusion because the reality is, relationships are work,’ says Demartini. This doesn’t mean relationships should feel like drudgery, it just means that like anything else in life, they need to be tended to. ‘It’s like maintaining a house. Dust accumulates, cracks start emerging, things get bent and broken. It’s an ongoing upgrade.’
What you can do:
‘Sometimes you say things without thinking about them, sometimes you take things for granted,’ says Demartini. You have to continue to work through hard times and ‘clear your baggage along the way’. Demartini says you can get on the same page as your partner by asking yourself, ‘How, specifically, is whatever my spouse or mate is doing helping me get whatever I want in life? And how has whatever I’ve done helped them get what they want?’ Fighting can be a positive thing, ‘You’ve gotta have a storm every once in a while or there’s not going to be any water.’
Myth 5: A good relationship requires sacrifice
There is a difference between compromise and sacrifice, and the difference lies in how you choose to handle any given situation. ‘It’s going to be perceived as “sacrifice” if you don’t find out how what you’re going to do is going to serve you,’ explains Demartini.
What you can do:
For example, if your spouse wants you home for dinner every evening when you’re accustomed to working late, you can either sit at dinner and resent them for asking it of you, at which point you hide away an IOU at the back of your mind, beginning an exhausting game of tit-for-tat, or you can ask yourself, ‘How is me going home for dinner helping my business? How is it helping me in my life?’ If you can answer these questions in a positive light, you can actually thank your partner for introducing more balance and flexibility into your life, rather than resenting them, Demartini says.
Myth 6: Great sex happens only at the beginning of a relationship
When people are infatuated with each other at the beginning of a relationship, they tend to have an animal passion, says Demartini. But as we all know, this wears off. However, before you panic, there is a way to maintain your sex life in the long term.
What you can do:
You can work at renewing your sex life throughout your whole relationship, Demartini explains. While this may sound easier said than done, the trick is learning how to communicate with your partner and sharing in their values with them. ‘If your partner feels like their needs are being met, their libido stays active.’ For example, ‘If your boyfriend comes home and he says, “Oh, I’ve been out with all my girlfriends and I’ve blown all our money on gambling and I’ve done some drugs,”‘ you’re not going to be interested in making love to that guy. You’ll withdraw from him.’
Myth 7: If it’s the right relationship, you won’t have to work at it
Simply put, there is no ‘right’ relationship. In a comparison drawn between the relationship that formed between Tom Hanks and the volleyball, Wilson, in Castaway, Demartini explains that humans are adaptable creatures. We learn to deal with and appreciate many different types of people. Yet as adaptable as we are, often we can take things for granted, which can negatively affect us and our partner.
What you can do:
You should never feel that ‘working on your relationship’ is a negative thing. As Demartini explains, it’s human nature to let things slip and so you have to work at a relationship in order to keep it healthy. ‘It’s an ongoing thing. You get used to people and start to take them for granted sometimes. But it’s a renewal, and you need to reactivate things and work at the relationship.’
Myth 8: If I’m not involved with someone, I’ll be lonely
Demartini doesn’t believe this is always the case. He explains the law of ‘the one and the many’, which means that when you’re dating ‘the many’, you’re searching for ‘the one’, but once you find ‘the one’, you start looking at ‘the many’. He explains that it’s part of every relationship to feel this way. ‘You’re always wondering about what’s out there and if you’re doing the right thing.’ This state of mind can breed a space in which you feel lonely regardless of whether or not you’re involved with someone.
What you can do:
Sometimes when you’re with somebody, you’ll want some space. And you’ve got to know when to give it and when to take it, says Demartini. ‘You’ll know by their reactions, do they need you around them right now or do they need to be alone? They say, “The willow and the oak never grow in each other’s shadow.”‘ He explains that maintaining room in a relationship for your individual interests allows space to miss one another, which can be seen as a positive thing instead of a negative thing.
Myth 9: Children complete a marriage
This is a myth that needs to be addressed because there are many people and couples who are perfectly happy not having children. Some people feel absolutely fulfilled by their work lives, friendships and families as they are.
What you can do:
You need to ensure that your partner feels the same way you do about having children, but more importantly, you need to figure out what you want. ‘I knew a woman who was 94 years old and had been married five times. One night I took her to the theatre; we went on a date. My wife said it was okay. She went on to tell me how each husband had died while having sex with her; she killed them with sex,’ Demartini says with a smile in his voice. ‘She chose never to have kids and she was frisky at 94. She travelled the world and stayed a child at heart throughout her life.’
Demartini says it’s never as simple as saying yes you should have kids, or no you shouldn’t, and explains that he knows some beautiful marriages without children and the couples have a fantastic time together, but other people, like himself, couldn’t imagine not having their children in their life.
Myth 10: Opposites attract
‘There is no true opposite, only an apparent opposite. Every human has the same potential for love, anger, greatness, hope, despair and so on. What you see in a romantic partner is also present in you. It is just expressed in a different way,’ says Demartini.
What you can do:
Demartini explains that differences between a couple are a positive thing, as too many similarities can lead to boredom. ‘You need someone who’s different enough to fight with you a bit and to challenge you a bit. That’s how you learn how to grow and communicate.’ Demartini says a good way to test this out in a relationship is to look closely at it. ‘If you see more similarities than differences, it’s infatuation. If you see more differences than similarities, you have resentment. If you see a perfect balance of them, if you keep asking questions to help you see and create that balance, you’ll feel loved, and that’s the art.’
